I miss your smile Amakulay. Everyday. May Allah reunite us in Jannah. I love you so much.
I started my day crying as my brother woke us up early. I remember you who always wake us up every Eid. Then Eid prayer is offered and I remember your last Eid with us. I cried the entire sunnah prayer coz I remember how my cousin told me that you were shaking offering your prayer on your last Eid with us and when I hugged you after qutbah, I avoided crying and I didn’t hugged you tighter. I remember reading a quote this week from Nouman Ali Khan that regret is a form of punishment. And I do regret a lot of things and I hope Allah is expiating my sins for making me feel this way. You are truly a treasure I will forever keep in my heart. It is through you that Allah gave me Islam. You gave me gift that helped me with my deen and afterlife. It was you on my lonely years in my childhood that stood beside me. I can never be more sorry for not giving you and repaying you of what you truly deserve as a father. Amakulay, I can only give dua that may our Almighty answer. I love you and miss you so much. I pray to see you in Jannah.
I read my father’s letter. Ya Allah. I try so hard not to think about what might have been and should have been. But Alhamdulillah, I feel in my heart that you are ok now Amakulay. I miss you so much. I try not to speak of the pain for a believer keeps her pain and relay only to Allah. But Amakulay. Ya Allah. May Allah make your good deeds be your best companion and may you be pleased with me even though I didn’t do anything to serve and save you. Forgive me. I love you so much. Astagfirullah Ya Allah. Forgive me Ya Allah and grant my father the highest of Jannah and reunite us again in Jannah.
First bday without my father. I still remember my last birthday and his texts to me that day. I started my day today weeping as I remember him after seeing pineapple which he always buy in the morning. Amakulay, may Allah elevate your rank in Jannah and be amongst the neighbors of Nabis and shaheeds. I love and miss you so much.
Today is my father’s 45th birthday. Everyday that pass by is a day that I’ll never see him again. At least not in this dunya. But more than that I can feel how each day pass by and I grow distant with everyone around me. I don’t know if this is temporary but I couldn’t help it. I am building rigid walls around myself. And this reminds me of what my father told me about his dream when I was young. He told me that in his dream, he saw all his children except me. My mom and sister also predicted about me separating myself to my family. I really tried to reach out to them as my faith got strengthened but right now, my life is static. I am longing to have shifa/emotional healing and I believe I can achieve that when I can go to Hajj or perform Umrah which my father keeps on telling me. But I hope I can really redeem myself coz I’m not sure that when I leave this place, I would still want to return. May Allah guide me.
Amakulay, i miss you so much, i never felt this sad. It’s only today that i realized i’ll never see you again. I keep telling my self not to regret coz ‘what if’ statements are haram. But really, i wished i hugged you tighter in Eid. Amakulay. I miss the time that every time you see me you always say that may Allah bless me, and i miss your texts which always have the word ‘anak/watakulay’. Amakulay, may Allah light your grave with the noor of Jannah, may He ornament it with the gardens and fumes of Jannah and may your good deeds become your best companion. I have a lot of hadith and lectures yet to share with you and in shaa Allah when we see each other again in Jannah, you will tell me stories about meeting our Rabb. Amakulay, may you forgive me for every pain I’ve caused you.
there and back again. <3 this place